Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
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Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
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No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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