So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
