Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Pooping to opera.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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