I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
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To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
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He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?