i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
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Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
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I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.