1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
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just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
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Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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