I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Mom said you looked used
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.