All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.