My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
two words...techno handjob
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Randomize
