I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
