"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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