i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
