oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
