Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
