First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
