Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
