Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
