we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
