I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
