How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
