The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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