i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
