I wish I only lived at night.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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