Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
