she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
