dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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