I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
