Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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