I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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