you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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