the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Randomize
