While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
