i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
