a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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