It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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