I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
