guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
