My room smells like vodka and shame
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
