Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
