She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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