I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
