Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
