I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
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I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
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Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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