If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize