If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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