Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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