I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
