Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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