so that wasnt chicken after all
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
