I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
