Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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