toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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