Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I can't turn off my feet"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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