party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
