Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
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As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
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I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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