mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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