??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
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I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
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He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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