so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
