Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
